Too Young for What Might Have Been
by YamiJessi
Summary: In the darkness on finds time to think, and regret. Merry's reflections about the quest's effect on the ever youthful Pippin, and how he fears things will turn out. Merry's PoV, non-yaoi.


__

Genre: Lord of the Rings  
Pairing(s): None  
Rating: PG, general drama  
Disclaimer: Do you honestly think I own any of this? I just wish I did. *Sighs* All characters are property of Tolkien. Also, contains some serious spoilers for The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers. 

Synopsis: In the darkness on finds time to think, and regret. Merry's reflections about the quest's effect on the ever youthful Pippin, and how he fears things will turn out. Merry's PoV, non-yaoi.  
***********************************************

The moonlight, it shimmers so perfect, even in this place of darkness and fear. I wonder if anyone else is gazing at that silvered orb tonight, is there anyone left to stare at the sky with hopeful eyes? I dare say it is all false hope, but it is still something to hold to. Never was one to toy with false hope, it seemed so empty and without any point. It was more important to enjoy life than to think about the regrets and the might have been. But now, here in the darkness, I cannot help but wonder. The thought is enough to drive a sane person to madness, but what is there left of sanity in this world anyway? What is there left of anything? I feel as though the shadows have taken the world, taken me, until there is simply nothing left. That is why I want so badly to fight, so I can draw my last breaths knowing that if we fail and the world is left to nothing but pain I will not be here to see it. More important still, I will never see the look upon your face if all those dark days do come to pass. You were never one to worry about such things, but I can see it now, faintly in you.

I remember now, as I lie here watching you and the others in the deep waves of sleep, what it was like to truly smile. I have lost that now, I cannot image when I could ever work up a real smile again. There is too much lost to think of happy times. But, you still smile, you always have. Even when the road was so weary you dragged your feet and let your head drop low you still tried to smile. It never stopped you from being so comical, this difficult task, even when everyone else had fallen into worn paces and let go of anything but focus in the task at hand. I think that might be where you have an advantage above the rest of us, when this is all said and done you will be the only one who can still work up an honest smile. I just hope that there is something left to smile about by then. 

You never came on this quest really knowing what you were getting into; you just had faith that something had to be done. Did it matter that it was so much larger than any of us; man, human, hobbit or otherwise? I wonder if it all began as just some game for you, like stealing farmer Maggot's crops from under his own nose. You always were very good at getting yourself out of trouble, though far batter at getting yourself into it. It might just be the nature of out kind, hobbits, to have such faith in the world, but you have too much I think. You followed your friends, and you still do even with this entire ill happening that has befallen us. I wonder why though, why risk so much? You must be a stronger person than I, to be so willing to dance the edge of death and still laugh. 

No one sees how you have faltered just beyond their gaze; you try too hard to convince them, and yourself, that you are strong enough. I have known you for so long, dear cousin, that I know too well that impish grin hides your real pain. Here in this world of men and battles you and I are very much out of place, though it never seems to bother you. I see the heavy steps you have been taking the last few days, the tired glint in your eyes, it all proves that you have less of a place here than the rest of us. But, so eager to please, you try and play the part of clown and hope your mask holds. They fail to see how you collapse into sleep each night, and how each morning it becomes more difficult for you to rise again. I have grown to fear every step you take, because I worry beyond all else that your strength will give way and you will not rise again.

Yet, your real strength comes from that light you hold, somewhere, even in the darkest hour it burns so bright. Like a candle set against the night, it is a guide for me to hold to. Having grown up with you, seeing so much of your youth right at your side, it is difficult to think of that light as ever fading away. I hope that this journey does not dampen your light, for I am not the only one who looks to it in dark hours. I think most of the Fellowship depend on you for something they lack within themselves, hope. I know Frodo and Sam at least are grateful for your desire to see the bright side of even the most ebon night. As I said, a candle in the darkness, burning so small but so very brightly. I just beg the silent stars above that some chilled wind does not blow out that flickering light before we find ourselves safe at home once more, with these weary days far behind us.

You will never give up, even if you are to meet your death on this road so far from home. I could not see this when we began, all I saw was a grand adventure that you are I were tagging along on because the Shire seemed so dull a place to our youthful minds. Now, having seen you hold your own against enemies and the dark stares of our own companions when you have done some silly foolish thing, I know you are not the same person who began this quest alongside us. There is still that hint of childish playfulness that is simply you, and I am grateful for that much. My dearest friend, dear cousin, I do not think you could be yourself without that boyish streak in your soul. But, still so young, so much more so than their eyes could ever see. They see all of us as young, it is simply the nature of how our kind is perceived, and so it is natural for them to think of all of us the same. But, among our little group of four, it is you who have seen the fewest summers. And I hope and pray it will be you who will see many more summers after the rest of us are gone. I know you have grown during these dark days, already you have become more than you ever would have if you had stayed behind and enjoyed the simple life of the Shire, but there is still so much more that awaits you. I fear you may never see it, because out of the lot of us, you are the one who seems so willing to trust blind faith and set yourself in harms way if it means winning the battle. May it never come to that though, even in the coldest moments. I could never forgive myself if you were to fade on this journey dear cousin, if you were to lose yourself forever more to darkness all in the name of a quest none of us really understood. To see your spark of life flicker away, leaving only paths empty where you could have taken them, days filled with choices you will not be here to make. Or worse still, nights with only echoes of the things you may have done. There are so many summers waiting for you yet Pippin, and you are far too young to fade away into what might have been. 


End file.
